Last night was a nice enough evening, but I have to say that performing does not excite me anymore the way it used to do.
So I'm getting more and more confused as to what to do with the rest my life. How bloody annoying! Even the one thing that I always loved to do, I don't love anymore.
The irony is that I have always hated people who couldn't make their minds up & now I am one of them.
Maybe I'll look at some online study courses today. I should use my time at home with the kid(s) to learn more skills than just changing nappies. Actually, that's a bit unfair. It's incredibly difficult to be a parent. You constantly agonize about what decisions to make for your kids & sometimes you make the wrong ones.
For instance, starting pre-school so early (Lucas will be 3 in November) was a miscalculation on our behalf. Lucas has always been so confident around other people and so quick to pick up new concepts, so we assumed he would be ready for pre-school. I now realize that his confidence came from the fact that he felt so secure in us as a family. He always knew that we were nearby when needed us. That confidence has now been a lost.
He was in distress several times at school and we did not come to help him. On some days we sneaked off and on other days we let the teachers rip him off us when he clung on hysterically. In hindsight, I regret going against our own principles. We have never been the kind of parents who would let him "cry it out". But I guess that society often presurizes us into attitudes like that.
"It's normal. They all cry on the first day. Just walk away" The teacher would say to us. I didn't want to seem pathetic, so I left my little boy behind, whilst he screamed and begged "Don't go mummy, don't go!" It was absolutely heart breaking.
But often when we picked him up, he seemed happy enough. So we would take him again the next morning and the whole scenario would start all over.
Lucas has become a lot more fearful now. He doesn't want to go anywhere without me. Even when his good friends are over to play, he stays very close to me. I am not going to fight it anymore. I want him to start trusting me again, which I am sure will take a little time. I just want our confident and happy little boy back & expect that to happen once he feels secure in us again.
Next week I'll try to take him to a playgroup where the parents stay with their children. That should be a much gentler transition for him.
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